"Whose fault is it, if not mine?"
There is no definite answer to that question. Probably it had to happen. But that would be a harsh thing to say in front of her.
Even though I tell Sonia that it is foolish of her to blame herself - she didn't know that her sulking a bit, which is not rare of her, could lead to something so unexpected - yet, speaking frankly, I understand her position. I myself am not left untouched by traces of guilt. After all, it was my birthday treat when it all started.
We had ordered the starters. Honey Chilli potato, a veg platter and chilli paneer. Varun could never go without proposing beer. And I could never refuse it. I asked the others.
"How about you, Tanvi? Sonia? Coke boy, you - I suppose - won't drink."
"Yeah, I am fine with my coke." Ankit reasserted.
"I will have...ummmm" Tanvi stopped short undecided.
"What?"
"I don't know. Not able to decide between beer and breezer."
"What breezer, breezer? Come on, you have had enough of breezer. Try beer." Varun made his expert comment.
"Ok sir. As you say."
"Three beers then?" I asked for a final nod to sum up the order. "Waiter."
"Oh! I am sorry. I forgot you, Sonia." I didn't know as she was new to our group.
"No. I am fine."
"Come on, you don't have to be formal or shy."
"Especially about alcohol." Varun tried to make a point.
She wasn't amused. "No really. I don't drink."
"Have coke then. Or anything else."
"Alright. Coke."
"Ok. Three bottles of beer and coke for two." I asked the waiter to note down.
"Sid, wait. I think that a pint would be enough for me." Tanvi said.
"Are you doing a favour to beer by having it?" Varun said grinning with his trademark shrug.
"Yaar, you know me. What if I go out of control?"
"We are here for you, don't worry." I reassured her.
She still seemed skeptical.
"Don't think so much. Have that much as suits you. We'll finish the rest." I winked at Varun. He smiled back.
After placing the order, we resumed our pulling Ankit's leg over his crush on Trisha, which we had concluded on account of the substantial evidence we had.
"Sharing notes, huh? You never shared your notes with us."
"When have I refused? She asked, so I helped."
"Nobody asks us for notes. The girl surely has a thing for the coke boy." Varun chaffed.
"So how was it?" Tanvi tweaked picking a kebab from the platter with her fork.
"How was what?"
She swallowed the kebab, and smiled munching on it. "You know, sharing notes and.....stuff."
"Come on, don't be silly."
The waiter held the bottle for me to touch and see if it were cold enough.
"It's ok." I said without checking it. "However cold it might be, we would ask for ice cubes anyways."
He poured the first bottle in Varun's glass and mine, and then opened the second bottle for Tanvi. I noticed Tanvi gazing at the beer flowing into the glass.
"Sid, I'll have to leave." Sonia suddenly remarked.
"What? Why?" I was surprised.
"What happened? Everything alright?" asked Tanvi.
"Yeah. It's just that I...got some work. I totally forgot that a cousin of mine is supposed to drop by at my place. I just received an SMS from her."
"But all of us would be leaving after some time. Could you not stay on for a while?" said Ankit.
"Actually, she would be leaving today itself early evening. So, I would get late, you know. You guys carry on. It's fine."
It was not fine. Despite her trying to make everything sound normal, it had an apparent sense of awkwardness around it. She stood up picking her bag.
Tanvi placed her glass of beer back on the table. "Well, wait. I'll go with you."
"No, it's okay. I'm directly going home. I will take the metro."
"You sure you are okay?" Tanvi asked with the same questioning look which I had in my eyes.
"Yes. I am good. See you tomorrow at college. Bbye."
"Bye."
Varun too seemed befuddled for a moment. But he was utterly incapable of rumination lasting longer than a moment.
"You took a sip? Are you mad?" he groused at Tanvi.
"What? What am I supposed to do with it then?"
"You are NOT supposed to drink before the toast. I told you last time, madam."
"Sorry shaktimaan."
"It's okay kid. Well...to Sid's birthday."
"To long life and his dreams" Tanvi added.
"And to such happy moments with friends." Ankit said raising his glass.
The glasses clinked. "Cheers."
Sonia had left her pen lying on the table.
She was surprised when I produced it in front of her the next day.
"Ah! where did you find it?"
"You left it in the restaurant yesterday."
"Oh! I searched for it everywhere - my bag, my study table, and today morning in the classroom. It's special because it's a gift from a friend. Thank you so much."
"Did you meet your cousin? How is she?"
"Yeah, she is good."
"Sonia, tell you what?"
"Go ahead."
"May be I am wrong, but I figured that the thing about meeting your cousin was merely an excuse. There was something else that was bothering you. I didn't want to make it awkward for you by asking you there in front of everyone. But as a friend, I would like you to share it with me. Of course, you are free to keep it to yourself, if you feel that I am unnecessarily intruding too much."
I still remember that subtle smile, which left no room for any inferences. A smile which could be smiled by only a few people who have such a turmoil going on inside them that one emotion soon overtakes the other before that one could be fully expressed.
"No, you are not intruding. You are a good friend." She stopped midway as if still deciding whether to reveal it to me or not. She looked in the space with a distant look, and as she visualized something gruesome, pain filled into her eyes.
Just then, Tanvi came rushing and fussing leaving Sonia startled. "Have you done the DME assignment? I am sure you don't know about it. How could you, when I myself have came to know of it just now?"
Both of us remained silent.
"What? Say something guys." She sat on the chair accross the table, and started opening her bag.
"No, I haven't." Sonia murmured.
"Tanvi, do you mind leaving us alone for some time? We were in the middle of a serious discussion."
"Serious discussion?" she squealed with surprise and amusement, as if she were listening to these words for the first time in her life.
"Yes. There is something."
"Come on, what is so serious? Tell me also."
"God! Tanvi, why don't you understand?"
When her amusement met with my irritation, it disappeared leaving behind only the surprise and a sour taste in her mouth. She could not behave anymore as if these words were incomprehensible to her.
"Ok" She rose to go.
"Tanvi sit. Where are you going?" Sonia came to rescue. "Actually he was asking me why I left yesterday."
"No, it's ok. You can talk in private. I don't mind."
It made me smile - the way she was trying hard to sound indifferent and mature to show that she definitely understood what privacy, space and serious discussions were all about.
"Come on now. Sit down. There was nothing so serious. He was just picking on you."
Such efforts to look serious were very difficult for someone so cheerful like her. Besides, the temptation to know something secretive was too much to resist for Tanvi. She leaned forward and whispered,
"So, why did you leave? You said that you were meeting your cousin, right?"
"Yes, I said that, but it was a lie."
"Oh really? you lied? Actually I thought so. Well anyways, so what was it then?"
"You know, my alcoholic father would drink most of the evenings, and beat my mother."
She said it in such a plain, matter-of-fact manner that for a moment I suspected that she was kidding. Her face showed no sign of amusement. I felt nonplussed not knowing how to react. To me, it seemed to be that typecast grainy image from old Hindi flicks showing a drunk man beating a woman. But this was not a film. All I could manage was an 'I see'. I looked at Tanvi. She was more serious than ever.
"I have had so many problems in my life owing to it. That's why I hate the smell and even the sight of alcohol. I think sometimes that it's an unreasonable bias and try to feel comfortable about it. But all the same, it ends up making me feeling nauseated. Seeing anyone drunk invariably reminds me of all the troubles I had to face owing to it, and that makes it impossible for me to be with them."
"I understand. But then you should have told us. We told you beforehand that there is no need to be formal." I said that trying to sound casual.
"Hmm, yeah. But I didn't want to spoil your party. All of you wanted to drink. So..."
"Ah come on, We would have liked to have you with us in the fun. It wasn't essential to drink." She paused for a moment to resume her old jeering business. "Well, I am not sure if I can say that of other people."
"Yeah, you are right." I countered her. "Poor girl you are! We force you to drink otherwise you would never do that. Right?"
"Yeah, of course. I used to keep telling you not to drink. But on the contrary, you made me try it."
"Hmmm. I am so sorry for being so unfair and harsh on you darling. I won't force you ever again. So, from now on, you won't drink. Isn't it?"
She had liked the breezer, and totally loved the beer. Now she was entrapped by her own glib tongue.
"What are you thinking, good girl?" I mocked her.
"What's there to think about? Yes, I won't drink." She was adamant at keeping up her performance.
"Is that a promise?"
Wow, Sonia was a hit. She had knotted the net tighter around Tanvi.
"Well..ummm...actually, you know what? I don't believe in promises."
"Come on, no." Sonia won't let her go easily. I could tell that she was enjoying it as much as I was.
"Tanu baby, you don't but at least others believe in promises. Be a good girl, and promise for their sake."
"Ok, I will but you also won't drink."
What nonsense! "Why would I not drink?"
It came out so spontaneously without any thought, but the next moment I realized that I might have inadvertently offended Sonia, and regretted having said it. Before I could attempt to retrace my words, she surprised me by quipping in the same vein,
"Yeah, exactly. Why would he not drink? He never made such claims." She followed it with a smile secretly directed at me.
"I love to drink; for me, it is essential and I will drink; well not in front of Sonia though." I reasserted.
Tanvi was at a total loss of words. "Ok, keep drinking then. Get drowned in it. Now let me finish the assignment."
"You can't avoid the topic that way. How about your promise?"
"Ok, I promise. Happy now?"
The promise lasted for not more than a day. We sat at Glassgows' next day in the afternoon after college drinking beer. But this was not the time to mock her or fuss over the promise. She had said that she needed something to soothen her nerves. She felt that her head would burst. Every now and then she would be overcome by a spur of nostalgia, with tears streaming down her face.
"You know what, Sid? He said that I could never understand him. Said that I was insecure, over-possesive, complaining, selfish, and that he could not tolerate me any more. I know I have my flaws, but I would have tried my best to keep him happy, only if he would give me a chance."
She was completely distraught. She told me about their happy moments. About their fights. Sometimes, she would criticise him; then the next moment, she would speak about the lovely things that he did for her. Self-reproach started taking hold of her at a point. Amid all this one question would surface every now and then - what went wrong.
It was the previous evening when she came to know about it. She had sensed something amiss for the past few days, and had pressed onto him to say what was going on in his mind. He had left her shocked by suddenly announcing that it was all over between them.
"Tanu, frankly speaking, all these are merely excuses. When you are in love, no reason is big enough for two people to part. However, if any one of them wants to get away, then the smallest quarrel takes the most magnanimous form. And sadly, there is nothing that you can do."
"But what would I ever do without him, Sid?"
"Come on baby, this is just a phase, and it will pass."
"I don't think it would. I don't think that I would ever be able to forget him. I love him, damn it; I love him so much. He is my Sameer, my Sammy."
Her voice quavered, and a fresh stream of tears flowed from her eyes. Before that day, it would have been impossible for me to think of Tanvi in such a situation. I could have never visualized tears in the eyes of such a happy-go-lucky girl. But there she was, still sobbing and gulping the beer down her throat. We sat there for another half an hour. I tried my best to keep her amused and preoccupied, but not to much avail. As we drove back in my car, she took out her cellphone to call Sameer, but I didn't let her do that, asking her not to lose her dignity and self-respect in the wake of love. When I had dropped her in her street, I saw in the rearview mirror that she again had her cellphone stuck to her ear. However, now I thought best not to intrude. Probably it was necessary for her to talk to him once to allow her some peace. The stupidity of some questions doesn't undermine their importance.
After reaching back home, I got busy with making a presentation on operations management due for the next to next day. After finishing it, I picked my cellphone from the table. Oh shit! seven missed calls. Five from Tanvi, two from Sonia. Damn, I had put it on silent mode when we were at Glassgows' to prevent a recurring incoming call from disturbing our conversation. Thereafter, I had forgotton to revert it to ringing mode. Well, there was also an SMS from Tanvi.
"Sid, he is with some other girl who works at his office."
I dialled her number. No answer. Redial. No answer. I was getting tense. I called up Sonia.
"Hullo Sonia, you had called up?"
"Yeah, Sid. I think there is a problem."
"What happened?" An unknown fear was gripping me.
"Tanvi had called up 15 min ago. She was drinking, which suddenly got me upset. I happened to shout at her for breaking her promise, that too so soon, and hung up on her. Later it occured to me that she might have been in some kind of problem. I have been trying her number since then but she is not picking the phone."
"Oh shit!"
"What happened? Any idea what's up with her?"
"I'll tell you later. Let me try again to call her."
I tried her phone several times, but she wouldn't pick. Was she asleep? It was unnatural of her to keep her phone on silent mode while sleeping. I had called her sometimes in the middle of the night, and she had answered the call. I thought to call at her home, but probably that might lead her into some trouble. I paced the room to and fro. Then not knowing what to do, I tried her number again. When she didn't pick, I called at her landlline number. Nobody answered even that. I sped towards her place in my car.
There was much topsy-turvy outside her place. People were running around, some of them making calls. The silly girl had jumped from the terrace of her roof. The guy living on the upper floor had come home from somewhere outside. It happened right in front of him, leaving him totally shocked. But then he regained control of himself, and took her to St. Stephens' hospital in his car. He had also called up her parents who were away for a wedding function and her brother who had gone out with friends for a late night show.
I reached the hospital. I met her brother Tarun in the corridor. Tanvi was no more. Yes, this is how it came to me. So suddenly. As I hugged the boy, his sobs turned into a wail. A part of my mind turned against itself refusing to believe.I went outside. The dense fumes of a passing truck enveloped my face as I walked across the road. I lighted a cigarette, and sat on the pavement smoking. The news just wouldn't sink in. My phone rang. Sonia was calling. I picked the phone.
"Hullo Sid, did you get to talk to her? Is she fine?"
"Sonia, Tanvi..." I couldn't bring myself to say it. My voice quavered, and suddenly I broke down.
I could sense the anxiety in her voice. "What's wrong Sid? Why are you crying? Is Tanvi okay?"
"Sonia, Sonia.."
"Yes Sid, don't cry like that please. Tell me."
"Sonia, she left us forever."
There was an utter silence on the other side. There was the sound of the dropping of the phone, and then, a loud shriek followed it. I kept sitting on the pavement crying for almost half an hour before I went back inside the hospital. She had been talking to me only a few hours ago, and now she lay there dead right in front of me. I touched her hand, but it wouldn't move.
She was cremated the following morning. Varun, Ankit, Sonia and I were there to comfort her parents. We left in the afternoon. Thereafter, I went home. I remained in my room that day and the next, shut behind the doors, lying in bed for most of the time.
After two days, I went to college. Sonia and Ankit had not come. Varun told me that Ankit had to take care of some household work that day, whereas Sonia had not come for the past two days. She didn't pick the phone. However, she sent me an SMS.
"Not coming to college. Feeling a little feverish."
There was nothing to talk. Everything in the college reminded us of Tanvi. Talking about her was painful, while talks about anything else turned out to be forced and superficial, and seemed to be a vain effort.
When Sonia didn't come the next day as well, all three of us got a little tense. I thought of visiting her. Tanvi had once shown me the street in which Sonia lived. I went there, and asked some people.
"Two girls of around my age live in a rented accomodation somewhere here. Any idea where they live?"
"Oh! do you mean Sonia and Pooja madam?" The dairy owner knew them, and guided me to the house.
I had to knock for 5 minutes before the door opened. Sonia stood there pale and dishevelled, her hair strewn. Her clothes were grubby. She looked unsteady and sick. She expressed no surprise at seeing me.
"Come."
I went inside and closed the door. Pooja, her roommate, had not returned from office. The room was tidy. Everything was well arranged. There was not a single crease on the bedsheet. All the utensils in the kitchen were stacked neatly in two steel cases. There was only a vessel on the gas burner with a sieve and tea in it.
It was a 1-BHK flat. I followed Sonia into the inner room. A stench filled the room. There were some unclean utensils on the table, a dirty bedsheet thrown in the corner, books lying on the table and around 10 empty bottles of beer alongwith a quarter of whiskey lying under the bed. A half empty bottle of beer stood on her bedside. I was perplexed, but she didn't seem to be in a mental state too sound to face any questions. I took the chair and sat down. I lit a cigarette, as she got back to consuming the beer. After a while, she spoke as if in a trance with intermittent pauses,
"Only if I had talked to her that day, she would not have committed suicide. At that moment, she desperately needed someone to listen to her. To pour out the grief in her heart. To take care of her. But you know what I did! I shouted and hung up on her."
A tear sparkling in the corner of her eye for a few minutes finally dropped down, followed by a line of tears. I wiped the tears off her eyes.
"Sonia, you didn't know that there was some trouble brewing and your sulking a little for a few minutes could create any problem. It was natural for you to feel hurt. It's not your fault."
"Whose fault is it, if not mine?"
Saying this, she drank the remaining beer in the bottle. Then she got up from the bed, and moved towards the cupboard. She took out another bottle from her college bag, and inched towards the bed. She staggered and would have fallen down, had I not been quick enough to hold her. I guided her back to the bed.
"Sonia, listen to me. Please don't do this."
She hardly seemed to be listening to me. As I smoked my cigarette, she opened the bottle and started drinking from it. As I tried to take the bottle from her, she shied it away from me. I let her have it. I went downstairs, and got some food packed for both of us. By the time I got back, she had drowned more than half of the other bottle.
I took the bottle from her. "Sonia, have the rest of it later on. Have food."
"I am not hungry."
"Even I won't eat if you won't." Saying this, I started unpacking the food. She lied on the bed. Her eyes drooped and closed. She was intoxicated. I made her sit, and fed her the food eating a little myself in between. After having eaten, she fell asleep. I drained the remaining beer in the wash basin. I collected all the bottles and threw them into the bin, and sweeped the whole room. The unclean utensils needed to be removed and cleaned. I left a little later after having arranged everything in the room as best as I could, while putting the dirty bedsheet in water bucket and adding some surf to it. She lay asleep on the bed without any bedsheet. Her sleep was constantly disturbed probably by some nightmares because she constantly twisted and turned in her bed.
I went back the next afternoon. Her roommate was getting down the stairs. I found her climbing the stairs and walking inside with her college bag. She forgot to close the door, and walked right inside her room. I went inside behind her and closed the door. As I walked into the inner room, I found her opening a bottle of beer, as yet another peered from inside the bag.
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