Teri yaadon ka ek mor
Nachta hai mere aangan mein
Qaidkhane ki si umas liye
Baraste saavan mein
Baarish ki boondein uske
Pankho ko jalati hain
Wo tadapta hai
Aankhein meenchta hai
Kuchh dard kuchh sukoon mein
Rota bhi nahi kabhi
Lekin paani rista hai
Uski pathrayi hui aankhon se
Beete lamhon ki daldal
kheenchti hai use
aur andar doobta hai
gar nikalne ko machle
Baarish mein jalta hua
Daldal mein dhansta hua
Teri yaadon ka ek mor
Nachta hai mere aangan mein.
Very nice vij..
ReplyDeleteespecially the last para.. amazingly written..
may be u can paraphrase the line "Doobta hai utna hi aur andar" coz its nt ending wid the same rhyme as other paras..mein , se .. or may be first write doobta hai utna hi aur andar .. then the line above it.. niklne ko jitna machle..(make it d last line of the para)
I hope m not interfering.. plz let me knw ..k.
You got it...even I had initially had lots of trouble in paraphrasing this line, and had doubts.
ReplyDeletesounds to me better now, to you?
hmm.. why dont u keep it like.. doobta hai utna hi aur andar..( stronger ) than aur andar doobta jaata hai :( I dont knw.. may be give it one more thought.. Not perfect still :P .Not lk the whole poem.
ReplyDeletePerfect ... Gd job !!
ReplyDeletethank u
ReplyDelete